Debunking Lesbian Sex Myths

Pride is always a special time of the year: queer people from all walks of life come together to celebrate who they are, where they come from, and where they want to go — while also celebrating the lives and legacies of those that came before them. It's a time for activism and committing to making the world a little bit better for the most marginalized of us (Black and Brown LGBTQIA people, trans people, people with disabilities), and placing that alongside our desire to party this month.

But all that being said: what speaks to the spirit of Pride Month better than celebrating pleasure?

Sex is a natural, wonderful thing, and for women that have sex with women — and identify as lesbians, queer, bisexual, pansexual, or any other identity on the sexual identity spectrum — making space to define what that looks like for them is just as important, come Pride Season.

What are some of the myths and misconceptions that hold lesbians back from being able to discover what feels good for them? Let's explore what queer sex can be, undefined.

Lesbian Sex Isn't What You Think

First of all, it's important to ask yourself: What is lesbian sex? Notice the stories and assumptions that may come up in your responses, that's normal.

See, there's often a big misconception about what "lesbian sex" even is. Of course, it can be simply defined as lesbians having sex, but what most people get confused by is: what acts "qualify" as lesbian sex?

There is no right or wrong answer.

Culturally, we're obsessed with this idea that we're doing it "right". We want to compare ourselves to the cultural norm as a way to gauge whether we're on track or way off base. Representation is important, but we have to be careful that they don't impose limitations on us simply because they portray only one way to do things.

Like any other community, lesbians come with a variety of interests, preferences, and curiosities. It's only right to assume that this translates into our sexual interests and preferences as well: how we like to be touched, touch others, and what we like to push the limits of when we're being intimate with others. And as long as this is all being done with informed, active consent where people aren't being harmed than there's nothing wrong with that.

But in case you need the reminder: there's no one "right" way to be a lesbian and there's no one right way to have lesbian sex.

Simultaneous Orgasm Isn't The Goal

For some people, there are assumptions that some goals matter more than others. This might be: simultaneous orgasms, squirting, scissoring (we'll get to that next.) Having sexual goals can be fun to keep the excitement in our sex lives, but when making them, it's important to recognize that they should be rooted in reality than assumptions of what we "should" be doing.

Instead of making goals based on things that we have seen simply because we think they will "prove" our queer identity, it's important to think about what our individual interests and desires are. What makes you feel sexy and confident? What makes you feel excited to share with your partner(s)? You can use these questions as jumping off points to exploring what sexual goals you can make, and expand upon them using mind-mapping or a yes/no/maybe list.

Lesbian Sex Goes Beyond Scissoring

There can be just as many tropes and assumptions about lesbian sex as there are about... well, anything else. One of the most common topics that can come up for queer sex amongst women (or people will vulvas) is the infatuation with scissoring. Scissoring, or an act where one person rubs their vulva against their partners', was popularized in "lesbian porn" and women's focused porn. But a lot of us are introduced to scissoring through the male gaze and doesn't always focus on the agency of the act, but the spectacle of the act.

Scissoring can be a pleasurable experience, but lesbian sex is so much more than that. We have to leave room for the fact that scissoring doesn't always work for everyone, nor is it something that everyone wants to partake in. And that's perfectly ok.

There's Nothing Wrong With Not Liking Oral (or Anything Else You Think You're "Supposed" To Like)

This one may be controversial but it's important to be said: oral sex is not the end all, be all of sex. If it's an act that doesn't give you pleasure, that's okay. You are not obligated to like receiving oral sex, or any other act for that matter.

It doesn't matter how popular something is, or how often you see someone else talking about its benefits. You have a right to vocalize what your interests are, what turns you on (and what doesn't), and navigating that with your partner(s) before, during, and after a sexual experience.

Strap-Ons Aren't Mandatory During Lesbian Sex

And finally, one of the most popular myths that need to be debunked: where does strap-on sex play into lesbian sex?

While it's popular, strap-on play doesn't need to be in your repertoire if you don't want it to be. It doesn't matter if you're thinking about wearing the harness, being penetrated by the dildo, or even just choosing between being the "top" or the "bottom". Strap-on play can be a fun way to play with gender roles or even just trying something that has seemed interesting for a while. But know that you don't need to enjoy topping or bottoming for strap-on play at all, and that's completely valid.

What myths are you debunking about lesbian sex this Pride Season?